U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
