Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
