We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
