someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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