I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
