Your dad touched me again.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
