I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
