fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
