i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
