someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
