i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
