You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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