the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
