when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
