my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
