i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
