I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
