I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love having hate sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
