I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
