So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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