i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
