after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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