Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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