there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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