Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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