happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
