I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
