Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
