Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
