I just saw a hot homeless man
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
