the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
