Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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