New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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