The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
