I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
