I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
