my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
COCAINE IS GR8
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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