I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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