How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
