I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
