I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
