Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
