I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
