Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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