I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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