Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
