Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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