??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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