talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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