Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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