do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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