I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
