btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
