I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
