Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
