So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
